True to You

1. Humans are master pretenders, borrowing "self" from others

Look closely, and you'll start to see the cracks. To be human is to have gaping holes in your own maturity, the doubts and weaknesses that you've patched over with praise from a boss, help from your partner, or reassurance from a friend when a date doesn't text back.

We are social creatures, built for relationships and deeply attuned to others' reactions. Our brains are designed to read the room, follow the group, and guess what others think about us. This focus on others is an evolutionary gift that binds communities but can feel like a curse.

• We often forget to know ourselves in our eagerness to understand others
• We borrow calmness, capabilities, and quick solutions from those around us
• This borrowing blurs the lines between our responsibilities and others'

In times of stress, our individuality gets lost in togetherness. We treat relationships like a marketplace, borrowing and lending to keep things calm. This leads to predictable outcomes:

• No energy left to pursue what's important to us
• Increased sensitivity to distress in relationships
• Becoming more responsible for others than for ourselves
• Abandoning beliefs at the first sign of disapproval

2. Relationship patterns keep us stuck: conflict, over/underfunctioning, distance, triangles

Distance is another relationship pattern used to manage anxiety. We create emotional distance when we hide our thinking, our beliefs, and our true selves from others.

Relationship patterns are predictable ways we manage anxiety in our connections with others. These patterns include conflict, over/underfunctioning, distance, and triangles. While they may provide temporary relief, they often keep us stuck in immature ways of relating.

• Conflict: When two people try to change each other, with neither giving in
• Over/underfunctioning: One person becomes overly responsible while the other underfunctions
• Distance: Creating physical or emotional space to avoid tension
• Triangles: Involving a third person to stabilize a two-person relationship

These patterns can become rigid, limiting our ability to grow and relate authentically. By recognizing these patterns in our lives, we can begin to interrupt them and create opportunities for more mature interactions.

3. We lose ourselves by chasing approval and borrowing beliefs

We're so good at reading others, sometimes we forget to know ourselves.

Chasing approval and borrowing beliefs are common ways we lose our sense of self. Our brains are wired to mimic higher-ranking individuals and conform to group norms, making it easy to adopt others' values and standards without much thought.

Ways we chase approval and borrow beliefs:

• Constantly seeking praise or validation from others
• Adopting trendy lifestyles or beliefs without personal reflection
• Changing our behavior based on others' reactions
• Consuming self-help content without developing our own thinking

This tendency can lead to a "pseudo-self" – a collection of borrowed beliefs that shift based on who's in the room. Developing a "solid self" requires consciously examining our values and making choices based on our own reasoning, even when they may not please others.

4. Differentiation: Balancing individuality and togetherness

Differentiation reflects a more flexible capacity for connection and self-direction, a mature dependence on others while also being responsible for oneself.

Differentiation of self is the central concept of Bowen theory, representing the ability to maintain a strong sense of self while remaining connected to others. It's about balancing our needs for individuality and togetherness.

Key aspects of differentiation:

• Ability to think and act for oneself while in relationship with others
• Capacity to tolerate differences and disagreements without becoming reactive
• Maintaining emotional connections without losing one's sense of self
• Responding thoughtfully rather than reacting automatically to emotional pressure

Differentiation is not about isolation or independence, but rather about developing a mature interdependence. It allows us to be true to ourselves while remaining connected to important relationships, even in the face of anxiety or pressure to conform.

5. Building a solid self requires emotional courage and self-evaluation

Emotional courage is a willingness to tolerate the distress that comes with putting your best thinking into action.

Building a solid self requires developing our own principles and beliefs, and having the courage to live them out in our relationships. This process involves tolerating the discomfort that comes with being true to ourselves, even when others may disapprove.

Steps to build a solid self:

1. Develop your own thinking about important issues
2. Practice self-evaluation rather than relying solely on others' opinions
3. Learn to manage your own anxiety and reactivity
4. Define and live by your own principles, even when challenging
5. Tolerate the distress that comes with differentiation

Self-evaluation is a crucial skill in this process. Instead of relying on rigid, external measures or constant comparison to others, we can develop flexible, kind ways to assess our growth and functioning.

6. Developing person-to-person relationships strengthens the self

De-clumping your relationships can help increase your maturity and add more flexibility to the group.

Person-to-person relationships are connections where we can authentically share our thoughts, feelings, and experiences without relying on superficial topics or focusing on others. Developing these relationships is key to increasing our own maturity and creating more flexible family and social systems.

Characteristics of person-to-person relationships:

• Sharing one's own beliefs and experiences
• Avoiding focus on third parties (gossip)
• Moving beyond impersonal topics
• Creating space for differences in thinking

By working on these relationships, we create opportunities to define ourselves to others and practice being our authentic selves. This process helps us become less reactive to others' emotions and more capable of thoughtful responses in our interactions.

7. Taking thoughtful positions, not reactive stances, leads to growth

Bowen wrote, "A person working toward responsibility in self is always aware of his responsibility to others. As he devotes primary energy to self, he automatically becomes more responsible toward others, and less irresponsibly over-involved with others."

Taking thoughtful positions involves developing and expressing our own beliefs based on careful consideration, rather than reacting impulsively to manage anxiety. This approach requires us to "sit down" with our thoughts before "standing up" for our beliefs.

Steps to take thoughtful positions:

1. Educate yourself on the issue
2. Build relationships with knowledgeable individuals
3. Define your beliefs based on reason, evidence, and values
4. Remain open to changing beliefs with new information
5. Identify opportunities to activate your thinking

By focusing on our own responsibility and thoughtful engagement, we can contribute more effectively to addressing challenges in our families, communities, and the world at large.

8. Managing anxiety responsibly allows for more authentic living

When we label one person as the one who needs to change, we miss seeing the whole system at work.

Managing anxiety responsibly is crucial for living authentically and relating maturely to others. Instead of trying to change others or expecting them to calm us down, we can learn to regulate our own emotional reactions.

Ways to manage anxiety responsibly:

• Recognize when we're reacting from anxiety rather than our best thinking
• Practice self-soothing techniques instead of demanding others calm us
• Observe patterns in relationships without immediately trying to fix them
• Develop a curious, non-judgmental stance towards challenges
• Focus on changing our own part in relationship dynamics

By managing our anxiety, we create space for more thoughtful responses to life's challenges and can relate to others more authentically, without the need for constant accommodation or distance.

9. Breaking free from family projection and multigenerational patterns

Systems thinking is an attempt to see the whole elephant. Because when anxiety goes up, we cling to our part of the elephant, our view from our corner of the relationship system.

Family projection and multigenerational patterns shape our functioning in ways we may not realize. By understanding these influences, we can work on breaking free from unhelpful patterns and increasing our level of differentiation.

Key concepts:

• Family projection process: How parents transfer their emotional challenges to children
• Multigenerational transmission: How patterns of functioning are passed down through generations
• Unresolved emotional attachment: Immature dependence on others carried into adulthood

By examining our family history and current dynamics through a systems lens, we can gain insight into our own functioning and work on changing our part in these patterns. This process involves developing a more objective view of family relationships and working on our own maturity rather than trying to change others.

10. Embracing the anxiety of progression towards maturity

Differentiation is work done for self, by self.

The journey towards maturity involves embracing what Bowen called the "anxiety of progression" – the discomfort that comes with growth and change. This process requires us to tolerate uncertainty and challenge as we work on becoming more differentiated individuals.

Aspects of embracing the anxiety of progression:

• Recognizing that growth often feels uncomfortable
• Staying curious about our reactions and those of others
• Persisting in efforts to define ourselves, even when met with pushback
• Viewing setbacks as opportunities for learning and refinement
• Celebrating small victories in our journey towards maturity

By embracing this anxiety, we open ourselves to continuous growth and the development of a more solid self. This ongoing process allows us to navigate life's challenges with greater flexibility and authenticity, improving our relationships and overall well-being.

Last updated: October 23, 2024