Surviving an Affair

1. Affairs often stem from unmet emotional needs and can happen to anyone

"I never thought I would be unfaithful to Jon. I had always looked at people who had affairs as moral weaklings. But my view has changed."

Vulnerability to affairs. Affairs can happen to anyone, regardless of their moral standards or commitment to marriage. They often develop when important emotional needs are not met within the relationship, creating a vulnerability that can be exploited by outside attention.

The Love Bank concept. Dr. Harley introduces the "Love Bank" analogy, where positive interactions make deposits and negative ones make withdrawals. When a spouse's account is depleted, they become susceptible to having those needs met by others, potentially leading to an affair.

Common emotional needs:

• Affection
• Sexual fulfillment
• Intimate conversation
• Recreational companionship
• Honesty and openness
• Physical attractiveness
• Financial support
• Domestic support
• Family commitment
• Admiration

2. Honesty and transparency are crucial for affair prevention and recovery

"Reveal to your spouse as much information about yourself as you know—your thoughts, feelings, habits, likes, dislikes, past history, daily activities, and future plans."

The Policy of Radical Honesty. This approach advocates for complete transparency in all aspects of life, including emotions, personal history, daily activities, and future plans. It eliminates the possibility of a secret second life that often facilitates affairs.

Building trust through openness. By sharing everything with your spouse, you create an environment of trust and intimacy that strengthens the marital bond. This openness makes it much harder for outside influences to threaten the relationship.

Overcoming discomfort. While radical honesty may feel uncomfortable at first, especially for those who have kept secrets, it becomes easier with practice and ultimately leads to a stronger, more resilient marriage.

3. Ending an affair requires complete separation and extraordinary precautions

"Even when a family has moved from one coast to the other, email, texting, and internet social networks are readily available to make contact with a former lover."

No contact rule. To end an affair successfully, there must be absolutely no contact between the unfaithful spouse and the lover. This includes all forms of communication, including social media and email.

Extraordinary precautions:

• Changing phone numbers and email addresses
• Blocking all forms of contact with the lover
• Providing a detailed daily schedule to the betrayed spouse
• Being accountable for all time and money spent
• Changing jobs or relocating if necessary to avoid contact
• Avoiding overnight separations from the spouse

Withdrawal symptoms. The unfaithful spouse may experience intense emotional reactions, similar to withdrawal from an addiction. These symptoms usually peak within the first few weeks and gradually subside over several months.

4. Overcoming love busters is essential for rebuilding trust and intimacy

"Love Busters: Habits That Destroy Romantic Love"

Identifying destructive habits. Dr. Harley outlines six major "Love Busters" that can erode the love and trust in a relationship:

1. Selfish demands
2. Disrespectful judgments
3. Angry outbursts
4. Annoying habits
5. Dishonesty
6. Independent behavior

Eliminating love busters. Couples must work together to identify and eliminate these destructive habits from their relationship. This process requires honest communication, self-awareness, and a commitment to change.

Creating a safe environment. By eliminating love busters, couples create a safe emotional space where they can rebuild trust and intimacy without fear of being hurt or disrespected by their partner.

5. Meeting each other's emotional needs is key to rekindling love

"You can be each other's greatest source of happiness. In fact this must be your goal if you want to have a successful marriage."

Identifying top emotional needs. Each spouse should identify their top five emotional needs and communicate them clearly to their partner. These needs often differ between men and women, making it crucial to understand and respect each other's priorities.

Becoming an expert. Spouses must commit to becoming experts at meeting each other's most important emotional needs. This requires ongoing communication, feedback, and a willingness to adjust behavior to better satisfy their partner.

Mutual enjoyment. It's essential to find ways to meet each other's needs that are mutually enjoyable. This ensures that both partners benefit from the process of rebuilding their relationship.

6. Undivided attention and quality time together are vital for marriage recovery

"Give undivided attention to your spouse a minimum of fifteen hours each week, meeting each other's emotional needs of affection, sexual fulfillment, intimate conversation, and recreational companionship."

The Policy of Undivided Attention. This approach emphasizes the importance of spending focused, quality time together without distractions. Dr. Harley recommends a minimum of 15 hours per week for couples in healthy relationships, and potentially more for those in recovery.

Key elements of quality time:

• Privacy (no children, friends, or family present)
• Focus on meeting emotional needs (affection, conversation, recreation, and sexual fulfillment)
• Consistent scheduling and prioritization

Overcoming obstacles. Couples may need to be creative in finding time and resources for quality time together, such as using babysitting co-ops, rearranging budgets, or finding low-cost activities they both enjoy.

7. Protecting your marriage from outside threats requires clear boundaries

"Meet each other's most important emotional needs exclusively."

The Policy of Exclusivity. This approach emphasizes the importance of reserving the fulfillment of key emotional needs for your spouse alone, particularly those that could lead to romantic attachment if met by others.

Setting clear boundaries:

• Limit affectionate behavior with opposite-sex friends
• Avoid intimate conversations about personal matters with others
• Spend most recreational time with your spouse or alone
• Avoid complimenting others on their attractiveness
• Maintain no contact with past lovers
• If infatuation develops, immediately distance yourself and inform your spouse

Preventative measures. By following these guidelines, couples create a protective barrier around their relationship, making it much less vulnerable to outside threats or temptations.

8. Managing resentment and restoring trust takes time and consistent effort

"Trust is not a marital obligation; it's a reaction to experience. It grows as each spouse shows himself or herself to be trustworthy."

Focusing on the present and future. Rather than dwelling on past hurts, couples should focus their energy on creating a better present and future together. This approach helps diminish resentment over time.

Avoiding triggers. Identifying and avoiding environmental triggers that remind the betrayed spouse of the affair can be helpful. In some cases, couples may even consider relocating to create a fresh start.

Rebuilding trust through actions. Trust is rebuilt through consistent, trustworthy behavior over time. This includes following through on commitments, being transparent, and consistently prioritizing the spouse's feelings and needs.

Patience and persistence. Restoring trust typically takes about two years of consistent effort and trustworthy behavior. During this time, it's crucial for both partners to remain committed to the recovery process.

9. Sustaining romantic love requires ongoing commitment and care

"If we let our emotions take charge of what we do, our lives will be very chaotic and unhappy. Our emotions tend to be very shortsighted."

Long-term perspective. Sustaining love requires a commitment to long-term thinking and actions, rather than being guided solely by short-term emotions or impulses.

Continuous effort. Couples must consistently work to meet each other's emotional needs, avoid love busters, and protect their relationship from outside threats. This ongoing effort helps maintain a strong emotional connection and passionate love.

Adapting to change. As individuals and relationships evolve, couples must be willing to adapt their approach to meeting each other's needs and maintaining their connection. This flexibility ensures that the relationship remains strong and fulfilling over time.

Last updated: July 30, 2024