Perfect Love, Imperfect Relationships

1. Recognize the disparity between perfect love and imperfect relationships

Perfect Love, Imperfect Relationships begins by showing how all our relational problems arise out of a universal, core wounding around love that affects not only our personal relationships but the quality of life in our world as a whole.

Absolute vs. relative love. Absolute love is the pure, unconditional openness and warmth that exists at our core. It is like the sun, always shining. Relative love, on the other hand, is how this love manifests in our imperfect human relationships. It is like the sun's light filtered through clouds, sometimes bright, sometimes dim.

The paradox of relationships. While we experience moments of pure connection in relationships, they also bring our deepest wounds to the surface. This creates a maddening riddle: If love is so great, why are relationships so challenging? The key is to appreciate both the perfection of love's essence and the imperfection of its human expression.

• Absolute love: Unconditional, always present
• Relative love: Conditional, fluctuating
• Challenge: Balancing the ideal with the real in relationships

2. Understand the universal wound of feeling unloved

Not knowing that we are loved as we are prevents us from trusting in love itself, and this in turn causes us to turn away from life and doubt its benevolence.

The core wound. At the heart of human suffering lies a deep-seated belief that we are not truly loved or lovable as we are. This "wound of the heart" often stems from childhood experiences of conditional or inconsistent love, creating a pervasive mood of unlove.

Impact on relationships. This core wound manifests in our relationships as insecurity, mistrust, and a tendency to create self-fulfilling prophecies of rejection. It leads to a paradoxical situation where we desperately want love but find it hard to receive when it's offered.

• Origins: Childhood experiences of conditional love
• Manifestations: Insecurity, mistrust, fear of intimacy
• Cycle: Expecting perfect love from imperfect relationships

3. Identify and release the mood of grievance

Grievance is the missing link between love and war: Peace degenerates into war and honeymoons lead to divorces through the reenactment of old grievances.

The grievance trap. Grievance is a defensive response to the pain of feeling unloved. It involves holding onto resentment against others for not loving us perfectly, creating a cycle of blame and disconnection.

Breaking free. Releasing grievance requires acknowledging the underlying pain and grief, and recognizing that others' imperfect love is not a personal failing but a result of their own wounding. This shift in perspective allows for greater compassion and connection.

• Recognize the payoff of grievance (e.g., feeling righteous, avoiding vulnerability)
• Practice "kind understanding" towards others' limitations
• Focus on gratitude for the love that is present, rather than resentment for what's missing

4. Confront and heal self-hatred

Self-hatred is the hidden underbelly of all the violence and nastiness in the world.

The root of self-rejection. Self-hatred stems from internalizing the message that we are not lovable as we are. It manifests as harsh self-criticism, shame, and a persistent sense of unworthiness.

Pathway to self-love. Healing self-hatred involves developing "unconditional presence" with our own experience. This means learning to acknowledge, allow, and open to all aspects of ourselves, including the parts we judge or reject.

• Practice saying "yes" to your current experience, without trying to change it
• Recognize your "basic goodness" beneath conditioned patterns
• Cultivate kind understanding towards your own limitations and struggles

5. Embrace the power of holy longing

The intensity of the longing does all the work.

Reframe desire. Rather than seeing longing for love as a weakness or source of suffering, recognize it as a powerful force that can connect you to the source of love within. Holy longing is the soul's natural orientation towards wholeness and connection.

From craving to bliss. Learn to experience desire as pure energy in the body, rather than fixating on external objects of desire. This shift can transform desperate craving into a blissful sense of aliveness and openness.

• Acknowledge and feel your longing for love directly
• Distinguish between the energy of desire and its mental fixations
• Use longing as a pathway to open your heart to receive love

6. Access and embody absolute love

Love is always loving you.

Direct access to love. Develop a practice of tuning into the ever-present source of absolute love. This involves activating your longing, opening your heart and crown centers, and allowing yourself to receive the subtle presence of love that surrounds you.

Living from love. As you cultivate a direct connection to absolute love, you become less dependent on others for validation and more able to embody love in your relationships and actions in the world.

• Practice the "absolute love" meditation regularly
• Notice how accessing this love changes your relational dynamics
• Allow this connection to inspire greater compassion and service

7. Balance personal intimacy with spiritual connection

To feel held in love, then, is the key, as it was for David, to letting down our guard, so that we can learn to relax, let love flow through us, and reside in the essential openness of our own heart.

Integrating the personal and universal. While cultivating a connection to absolute love is essential, it doesn't negate the importance of human relationships. Instead, it allows for a more mature and less desperate approach to intimacy.

The dance of relationship. Embrace relationships as opportunities for growth, healing, and the embodiment of love, while recognizing that no person can be the source of perfect love. This balanced perspective allows for both deep personal connection and spiritual freedom.

• Use relationship challenges as opportunities to heal and grow
• Practice giving and receiving love more freely, without expectation
• Cultivate gratitude for the unique gifts of both absolute and relative love

Last updated: October 22, 2024