Created for Connection

1. Love is a basic human need, not just a luxury

Love is not the icing on the cake of life. It is a basic primary need, like oxygen.

Attachment is survival. Humans are wired for connection from birth, and this need continues throughout our lives. Numerous studies have shown that close emotional bonds are essential for our mental and physical health. People in secure relationships generally live longer, have lower blood pressure, and are better equipped to handle life's challenges.

Love shapes our world. Our primary relationships, especially with parents and romantic partners, form the template for how we view ourselves and others. Secure attachments lead to greater emotional balance, self-confidence, and the ability to explore the world. Conversely, insecure attachments can lead to anxiety, depression, and a host of other issues.

Science supports spirituality. The attachment perspective aligns with many spiritual teachings about the importance of love and connection. Both modern research and ancient wisdom point to the transformative power of loving relationships in our lives.

2. Emotional responsiveness is the key to lasting love

Emotional responsiveness is the key to a lifetime of love.

A.R.E. is essential. The foundation of a secure bond is emotional responsiveness, which can be summarized as A.R.E.: Accessibility, Responsiveness, and Engagement. Partners need to be emotionally available, respond to each other's needs, and remain actively involved in the relationship.

Attunement creates connection. When partners are emotionally in sync, they create a powerful sense of safety and belonging. This attunement allows for deeper intimacy and trust, fostering a relationship that can weather life's storms.

Practice makes perfect. Emotional responsiveness is a skill that can be learned and improved. By consistently practicing A.R.E., couples can strengthen their bond and create a more fulfilling relationship over time.

3. Recognize and exit negative interaction cycles

Underneath all the distress, partners are asking each other: Can I count on you, depend on you? Are you there for me? Will you respond to me when I need, when I call? Do I matter to you? Am I valued and accepted by you? Do you need me, rely on me?

Demon Dialogues destroy connection. Couples often get trapped in negative interaction patterns, which the author calls "Demon Dialogues." These include:

• Find the Bad Guy: Mutual blame and criticism
• The Protest Polka: One partner pursues while the other withdraws
• Freeze and Flee: Both partners shut down and disconnect

Understand the underlying fears. These negative cycles are often driven by attachment fears and unmet needs. By recognizing these patterns and understanding the emotions beneath them, couples can begin to break free from destructive interactions.

Create new, positive cycles. Once couples identify their negative patterns, they can work together to create more positive interactions. This involves learning to express needs clearly and respond to each other's emotional cues with empathy and support.

4. Identify and address emotional raw spots

A raw spot is a hypersensitivity formed by moments in a person's past or current relationships when an attachment need has been repeatedly neglected, ignored, or dismissed, resulting in a person's feeling what I call the "2 Ds"—emotionally deprived or deserted.

Recognize your vulnerabilities. Everyone has emotional "raw spots" - areas of particular sensitivity often stemming from past hurts or unmet needs. Identifying these vulnerable areas is crucial for understanding our reactions in relationships.

Communicate about sensitivities. Once raw spots are identified, it's important to share them with your partner. This vulnerability allows for greater understanding and empathy between partners.

Heal together. By working together to soothe each other's raw spots, couples can create a stronger, more secure bond. This process involves:

• Validating each other's feelings
• Offering comfort and reassurance
• Creating new, positive experiences to counteract past hurts

5. Have "Hold Me Tight" conversations to strengthen bonds

These moments shape safe connection, and that changes everything. They provide a reassuring answer to the question "Are you there for me?" Once partners know how to speak their need and bring each other close, every trial they face together simply makes their love stronger.

Open up about fears and needs. The "Hold Me Tight" conversation involves partners sharing their deepest fears and attachment needs. This vulnerability creates opportunities for profound connection and understanding.

Listen and respond with empathy. When one partner opens up, the other's role is to listen attentively and respond with empathy and care. This responsiveness helps create a secure emotional bond.

Practice regularly. These conversations are not a one-time event but should be practiced regularly to maintain and strengthen the emotional connection between partners.

6. Forgive injuries and rebuild trust

Injuries may be forgiven, but they never disappear. Instead, in the best outcome, they become integrated into couples' attachment stories as demonstrations of renewal and connection.

Acknowledge the pain. The first step in healing relationship injuries is for both partners to recognize and validate the hurt that has occurred. This acknowledgment is crucial for moving forward.

Take responsibility and express remorse. The partner who caused the injury needs to take responsibility for their actions and express genuine remorse. This helps rebuild trust and shows a commitment to the relationship.

Create a new narrative together. Couples can heal by creating a new story about the injury that includes:

• How it happened
• How they worked through it
• How they've grown stronger as a result

7. Foster physical and emotional intimacy

Emotional connection creates great sex, and great sex creates deeper emotional connection.

Understand different types of sex. The author describes three types of sex:

• Sealed-Off Sex: Focused on physical release without emotional connection
• Solace Sex: Seeking reassurance through physical intimacy
• Synchrony Sex: Combining emotional openness with physical pleasure

Aim for synchrony. The goal is to achieve Synchrony Sex, where emotional and physical intimacy are deeply intertwined. This creates the most satisfying and lasting sexual connections.

Nurture non-sexual touch. Regular non-sexual physical affection, such as hugging, holding hands, and cuddling, is crucial for maintaining emotional connection and fostering intimacy.

8. Maintain and nurture your love actively

Love is like a language. If you speak it, it flows more and more easily. If you don't, then you start to lose it.

Create rituals of connection. Develop daily, weekly, and yearly rituals that reinforce your bond. These might include:

• Daily check-ins
• Weekly date nights
• Annual relationship retreats

Address problems proactively. Use the "Safety First" strategy to address issues before they escalate. This involves discussing attachment needs and fears before tackling practical problems.

Craft your love story. Create and regularly update two important narratives:

• A Resilient Relationship Story: How you've overcome challenges together
• A Future Love Story: Your shared vision for your relationship's future

9. Our relationship with God parallels human attachment

The process of religious conversion has often been likened to falling in love. Bonding studies now offer a solid, scientific scaffolding for the wisdom of the sacred writings that speak of the power of love and mankind's deep need for belonging.

God as the ultimate attachment figure. For people of faith, God often serves as the ultimate source of security and comfort, mirroring the role of a loving parent or partner.

Secure attachment fosters faith. Those with secure attachment styles often find it easier to develop a trusting relationship with God. Conversely, positive experiences of God's love can help heal insecure attachment patterns.

Faith enhances human relationships. A strong relationship with God can provide a model and motivation for cultivating loving, secure relationships with others. This creates a "sacred circle" where human and divine love reinforce each other.

Last updated: July 22, 2024