Conflict Communication

1. Conflict responses are subconscious, scripted, and for group benefit

Your reactions to conflict are subconscious, scripted, and for the good of the group.

Automatic responses. Our reactions to conflict often occur faster than conscious thought, following predictable patterns or "scripts." These scripts are deeply ingrained and serve evolutionary purposes, primarily aimed at maintaining group cohesion and stability.

Group over individual. While these automatic responses may not always benefit the individual, they generally work to preserve the group's integrity. This can lead to seemingly irrational behaviors, such as staying in dysfunctional relationships or repeating unproductive arguments.

Awareness is key. Recognizing these subconscious patterns is the first step in gaining control over our conflict responses. By understanding that our reactions are often not personal choices but programmed responses, we can begin to consciously choose more effective ways of handling conflicts.

2. Three brain levels: Lizard, Monkey, and Human

The Lizard is only concerned with survival and outranks the Monkey, so how can there be soldiers?

Lizard brain: survival. The oldest part of our brain, focused solely on immediate survival needs. It reacts instinctively to perceived threats and can override higher-level thinking in life-or-death situations.

Monkey brain: social. This part handles social interactions, status, and group dynamics. It's the source of many emotional responses and can't distinguish between social humiliation and physical danger.

Human brain: rational. The newest part, capable of abstract thought and problem-solving. It's often overridden by the other two in conflict situations.

• Understanding these levels helps in:
  • Recognizing which "brain" is in control during conflicts
  • Consciously engaging the Human brain for better outcomes
  • Anticipating others' reactions based on which level they're operating from

3. Maslow's Hierarchy influences conflict dynamics

You cannot simultaneously ignore problems and solve them.

Needs drive behavior. Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs provides a framework for understanding motivations behind conflicts. People operating from different levels of the hierarchy may have vastly different priorities and perceptions.

Safety before self-actualization. Lower-level needs (physiological, safety) must be met before higher-level concerns (belongingness, esteem, self-actualization) can be addressed effectively. This explains why some conflicts seem trivial to outsiders but are crucial to those involved.

Conflict origins matter. Recognizing which level of the hierarchy a conflict stems from can guide appropriate responses:

• Survival-level conflicts require immediate, practical solutions
• Social-level conflicts often benefit from emotional validation and status considerations
• Self-actualization conflicts may involve deeper values and beliefs

4. Recognize and abort unhelpful conflict scripts

If you get hooked, you will find yourself on a script. If you get angry, if you start labeling, if you want to show who is best… you know the signs. You must recognize it and then spit out the hook.

Script awareness. Learn to recognize when you're falling into predictable conflict patterns. Common signs include:

• Emotional reactions overtaking rational thought
• Focusing on winning rather than problem-solving
• Using labels or stereotypes to dismiss others

Breaking the cycle. Once you recognize a script, take conscious action to change course:

• Take a deep breath and acknowledge your emotional state
• Refocus on the actual problem rather than personal feelings
• Use "we" language to promote cooperation instead of opposition

Choose your response. Remember that you have options beyond following the script:

• Continue the script if it's actually helpful
• Switch to a different, more productive script
• Abort the script entirely and address the core issue directly

5. Set clear boundaries and work from common ground

"No" is a complete sentence.

Clear boundaries. Setting and enforcing clear boundaries is crucial in managing conflicts. This involves:

• Being explicit about what is and isn't acceptable
• Using simple, direct language
• Being prepared to enforce stated boundaries

Common ground focus. Instead of dwelling on differences, actively seek areas of agreement or shared experiences. This approach:

• Builds rapport and trust
• Makes communication easier
• Creates a foundation for problem-solving

Cultural considerations. Be aware that boundary-setting and common ground may look different across cultures. Adapt your approach accordingly, and when in doubt, ask for clarification on local norms and expectations.

6. Reputation and adrenaline management in conflicts

Resources + Helping Others = Respect

Build positive reputation. Your reputation is based on consistent actions over time, not self-proclamations. Cultivate a reputation for:

• Reliability
• Fairness
• Willingness to help others

Adrenaline awareness. Recognize how adrenaline affects you and others in conflicts:

• Men often experience quick spikes and drops
• Women tend to have slower builds and longer-lasting effects
• Use this knowledge to time difficult conversations and interventions

Resource management. Understand that respect comes from having resources (skills, knowledge, compassion) and using them to benefit others. This "alpha" status is earned through consistent, helpful actions rather than domineering behavior.

7. Violence exists on a spectrum of coercion levels

The level above yours is bad, the level below yours is weak.

Coercion spectrum. Violence and coercion exist on a continuum, from subtle social pressure to lethal force. The levels, in order:

1. Nice
2. Manipulative
3. Assertive
4. Aggressive
5. Assaultive
6. Lethal

Comfort zones. People tend to be comfortable operating within their usual level and view those above as "bad" while seeing lower levels as "weak." This perception gap can lead to misunderstandings and escalation.

Level-appropriate responses. Recognize which level of coercion you're dealing with and respond accordingly:

• Lower levels often require social skills and emotional intelligence
• Higher levels may demand physical intervention or de-escalation techniques
• Moving up levels (increasing force) is challenging; moving down is easier

8. Active listening and tactical apologies defuse conflicts

Everything in this manual is blatantly manipulative, but here's the deal--all communication is manipulation.

Active listening power. Practice active listening to gather information and build rapport:

• Focus intently on the speaker
• Paraphrase to ensure understanding
• Ask clarifying questions
• Acknowledge emotions without judgment

Tactical apologies. Use apologies strategically to defuse tensions:

• "I'm sorry you're upset" acknowledges feelings without admitting fault
• Follow with "What should we do now?" to refocus on problem-solving
• Remember that apologizing often makes you appear mature and reasonable, not weak

Manipulation awareness. Recognize that all communication involves some level of influence or manipulation. The key is using these tools ethically to achieve positive outcomes for all parties involved.

9. Predators and survival-level threats require different approaches

When you deal with social violence as if it were asocial, you unnecessarily hurt people. When you deal with asocial violence as if it were social, you get hurt.

Distinguish threat types. Recognize the difference between social conflicts (status, belonging) and asocial threats (predatory, survival):

• Social conflicts follow predictable scripts and rules
• Asocial threats don't adhere to social norms or expectations

Social conflict approach:

• Use de-escalation techniques
• Appeal to shared values or group norms
• Seek win-win solutions

Asocial threat response:

• Prioritize personal safety
• Set and enforce hard boundaries
• Be prepared to use appropriate force if necessary

Adaptability is key. Train yourself to quickly assess the nature of a threat and adapt your response accordingly. Misidentifying the type of conflict can lead to ineffective or dangerous reactions.

Last updated: July 24, 2024