Anatomy of an Affair

1. Recognize the Dangerous Partner Profile to Prevent Close Calls

"People in your dangerous partner profile are composites of those individuals who appear to meet many of the deficits you bring to your marriage."

Dangerous partner profile components: Understanding your dangerous partner profile is crucial for preventing close calls and affairs. This profile includes:

• Developmental lags: Missed childhood or adolescent experiences that surface later in life
• Personality style: Often different from your spouse's, resembling someone from your past
• Hobbies/Interests: Shared passions that create an immediate connection
• Attachment pattern: Opposite of what you have in your marriage
• Family of origin deficits: Unmet childhood needs that resurface in adulthood
• Marital voids: Emotional and activity-based needs not fulfilled in your current relationship

Identifying and addressing vulnerabilities: By recognizing these components, you can proactively address vulnerabilities in your marriage. Discuss your dangerous partner profile with your spouse to create awareness and develop strategies to strengthen your relationship.

2. Understand the Five Classes of Emotional and Sexual Betrayal

"Close calls are virtually all alike. They begin with an attraction to somebody other than your spouse that causes you to think about your time with this individual simply for the pleasure that it provides you."

Five classes of affairs:

1. One-Night Stand: Unplanned, often alcohol-induced, with no emotional involvement
2. Entangled Affair: Gradually develops, with intense emotional involvement
3. Sexual Addiction: Multiple partners, impulsive behavior, no emotional attachment
4. Add-on Affair: Satisfies a specific void in the marriage, often with narrow boundaries
5. Reconnection: Activates old infatuation, often through social media or reunions

Progression of close calls: Understanding these classes helps identify the warning signs of close calls. Close calls typically progress through four phases: growing mutual attraction, entanglement, destabilization of the relationship, and termination/resolution. Recognizing these phases allows couples to intervene before a close call becomes an affair.

3. Identify High-Risk Factors in Your Personal and Family History

"It is almost inevitable if one doesn't guard against it."

Family history risk factors:

• Family history of infidelity
• Single parent/blended family background
• Physically abusive or chronically conflicted family

Personal history risk factors:

• Sexual molestation
• Adolescent promiscuity
• Learning disabilities/ADHD

Importance of awareness: Recognizing these risk factors doesn't guarantee infidelity but increases vulnerability. By understanding your personal and family history, you can take proactive steps to address potential issues and strengthen your marriage. Discuss these factors openly with your spouse to create a supportive environment for healing and growth.

4. Navigate High-Risk Seasons and Behaviors in Your Marriage

"Sex is comforting, especially to males—then a season of significant loss is a high-risk time for close calls or even infidelity."

High-risk seasons:

• Times of loss (death, health issues, career setbacks)
• Life transitions (retirement, promotions, moves)
• Pregnancy and postpartum period

High-risk behaviors:

• Opposite-sex friendships with private conversations
• Workplace affairs
• Volunteer opportunities with the opposite sex
• "Soloing" in public places
• Fantasizing about others
• Internet relationships

Protective strategies: Recognize these high-risk periods and behaviors to safeguard your marriage. Develop strategies to support each other during challenging times and establish boundaries for potentially risky situations. Prioritize your marriage during these vulnerable periods by increasing communication and emotional connection.

5. Examine Your Marital Style and Interaction Patterns

"Remember, modeling is the most powerful behavioral determinant known to man!"

Common marital styles:

1. Windshield-Wiper Style: Avoids intimacy through constant conflict
2. Dial-Tone Style: Avoids conflict at all costs, leading to emotional disconnection
3. Empty-Nest Style: Focuses on children, neglecting the spousal relationship

Identifying interaction patterns:

• Marital focal points: Topics that dominate or are avoided in conversations
• Marital dance: Repetitive responses to each other's behaviors
• Marital contributions: Division of responsibilities and roles
• Marital opposites: Personality traits that initially attract but later irritate

Breaking unhealthy patterns: Examine your marital style and interaction patterns to identify areas for improvement. Discuss these patterns with your spouse and work together to develop healthier ways of communicating and connecting. Consider how your family of origin influences your current relationship dynamics and make conscious choices to break unhealthy cycles.

6. Practice Forgiveness and Rebuild Trust in Your Relationship

"Forgiveness is never based on reciprocal action. No matter what the other person does, you are called to acknowledge your own behavior."

Steps to forgiveness:

1. Identify hurtful behaviors and their emotional impact
2. Write a forgiveness letter addressing specific incidents
3. Read the letter to your spouse, allowing for emotional expression
4. Respond with forgiveness or express a willingness to work towards it

Rebuilding trust:

• Respect: The foundation for rebuilding trust
• Transparency: Open communication and honesty
• Consistency: Keeping promises and following through on commitments
• Patience: Recognizing that trust takes time to rebuild

Creating a culture of forgiveness: Make forgiveness a regular practice in your marriage. Address hurts and disappointments promptly, avoiding the buildup of resentment. Cultivate an atmosphere of grace and understanding, recognizing that both partners contribute to the relationship's health.

7. Reignite Passion and Intimacy Through Intentional Activities

"If someone were having an affair and had an hour and a half for lunch, and it took them a half hour to drive each way to see their partner, that would mean they made the drive just to be with each other for the remaining half hour. When was the last time you made that kind of effort to see your spouse?"

Rekindling romance:

• Eight Greats Exercise: Identify and recreate your top eight relationship experiences
• Develop rituals: Create regular, anticipated experiences unique to your relationship
• Compliment Prayer List: Share daily appreciations for your spouse
• Nonsexual touch exercises: Rebuild trust and intimacy through planned touch activities

Addressing sexual issues:

• Examine your sexual history and attitudes
• Discuss and address any family-of-origin influences on your sexuality
• Prioritize sexual intimacy and exploration within your marriage

Intentional connection: Make a conscious effort to prioritize your relationship. Invest time, energy, and resources into creating memorable experiences together. Regularly assess and discuss your intimacy needs, both emotional and physical, to ensure continued growth and connection.

8. Establish Boundaries and Communication for a Close-Call-Proof Marriage

"Close calls will happen. But the most powerful way to disarm them is to talk to your spouse about the experience."

Establishing boundaries:

• Avoid one-on-one situations with potential dangerous partners
• Limit personal conversations with opposite-sex friends
• Be transparent about all interactions with others
• Prioritize time and energy for your spouse

Open communication:

• Share attractions or close-call experiences promptly
• Listen without judgment when your spouse shares
• Work together to address underlying needs or issues
• Regularly assess the health of your relationship

Close-Call Contract: Create and sign a contract committing to open communication about attractions and close calls. This agreement fosters trust, respect, and intimacy in your relationship. Regularly review and renew this commitment to maintain a strong, affair-proof marriage.

Last updated: October 23, 2024