A Manual for Being Human

1. Our early experiences shape our emotional responses and relationships

We are not survival of the fittest. We are survival of the nurtured.

Attachment styles. Our earliest relationships with caregivers form the blueprint for how we relate to others throughout life. Secure attachment develops when caregivers are consistently attuned and responsive, leading to healthy emotional regulation and relationships. Anxious and avoidant attachment styles arise from inconsistent or neglectful caregiving, causing difficulties with intimacy and trust.

Emotional development. Caregivers act as external regulators of a child's emotions, teaching them how to understand and manage their feelings. This "emotional coaching" shapes the brain's stress response systems and ability to self-soothe. Children who aren't taught to identify and express emotions may struggle with emotional awareness and regulation as adults.

• Secure attachment: Feels safe in relationships, regulates emotions well
• Anxious attachment: Fears abandonment, seeks constant reassurance
• Avoidant attachment: Uncomfortable with intimacy, values independence

2. School years and media influence our self-perception and identity

All children are artists. The problem is how to remain an artist once he grows up.

School experiences. Academic performance, peer relationships, and feedback from teachers significantly impact self-esteem and identity formation. The pressure to achieve and fit in can lead to perfectionism, social anxiety, and a disconnection from one's authentic self. Bullying experiences can have long-lasting effects on self-worth and relationships.

Media influence. Advertising, social media, and popular culture present idealized and often unrealistic standards of beauty, success, and lifestyle. Constant exposure to these images can lead to social comparison, body image issues, and a sense of inadequacy. The "highlight reel" effect of social media exacerbates feelings of FOMO (fear of missing out) and insecurity.

• School impacts: Academic pressure, social hierarchies, identity exploration
• Media effects: Unrealistic beauty standards, social comparison, FOMO
• Identity development: Balancing authenticity with societal expectations

3. Prejudice and structural inequality have profound impacts on mental health

Until we are all free, we are none of us free.

Systemic oppression. Racism, sexism, homophobia, transphobia, and other forms of discrimination create chronic stress and trauma for marginalized groups. This "minority stress" increases the risk of anxiety, depression, and other mental health issues. Microaggressions – subtle, everyday slights and indignities – compound over time, eroding self-esteem and sense of belonging.

Internalized prejudice. Members of marginalized groups may internalize negative societal messages about their identity, leading to shame, self-hatred, and imposter syndrome. This internalized oppression can manifest as self-sabotage, difficulty accepting love and success, and perpetuating harmful stereotypes within one's own community.

• Effects of discrimination: Chronic stress, hypervigilance, identity concealment
• Microaggressions: Subtle insults, invalidation of experiences, othering
• Intersectionality: Compounded effects of multiple marginalized identities

4. Life events trigger grief and emotional responses that require processing

We don't move on from grief. We move forward with it.

Grief and loss. Death, breakups, job loss, and other significant life changes trigger a complex emotional process. The stages of grief (denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance) are not linear but cyclical. Unresolved grief can lead to complicated mourning, impacting mental and physical health.

Emotional processing. Allowing ourselves to feel and express difficult emotions is crucial for healing. Avoidance and suppression of feelings often backfire, leading to prolonged distress and unhealthy coping mechanisms. Creating rituals, seeking support, and finding meaning in loss are important aspects of moving through grief.

• Grief stages: Shock, denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance
• Healthy grieving: Expressing emotions, honoring memories, self-compassion
• Complicated grief: Prolonged intense mourning, difficulty functioning

5. Understanding emotions and thoughts is crucial for mental wellbeing

Our thoughts are stories, not truths.

Emotional awareness. Recognizing and naming our emotions is the first step in managing them effectively. Emotions are not "good" or "bad" but serve important functions in guiding our behavior and connecting us to others. Learning to sit with uncomfortable feelings without judgment or avoidance builds emotional resilience.

Cognitive distortions. Our thoughts are not always accurate reflections of reality. Common thinking traps like catastrophizing, black-and-white thinking, and mind-reading contribute to anxiety and depression. Challenging these distortions and developing more balanced, realistic thoughts improves mood and decision-making.

• Basic emotions: Joy, sadness, fear, anger, disgust, surprise
• Emotional intelligence: Identifying, understanding, regulating emotions
• Cognitive restructuring: Identifying, challenging, and reframing negative thoughts

6. Common coping strategies often backfire and perpetuate distress

I drank to drown my sorrows, but the damned things learned how to swim.

Avoidance and suppression. While avoiding triggers and suppressing emotions may provide short-term relief, they often intensify anxiety and prevent emotional processing in the long run. Exposure to feared situations in a gradual, controlled manner is more effective for overcoming phobias and anxieties.

Perfectionism and people-pleasing. Setting impossibly high standards for oneself or constantly prioritizing others' needs over one's own leads to burnout, resentment, and low self-esteem. Learning to set boundaries, practice self-compassion, and embrace "good enough" is crucial for sustainable wellbeing.

• Unhelpful coping: Avoidance, substance use, excessive control, reassurance-seeking
• Exposure therapy: Gradual, repeated contact with feared stimuli
• Healthy boundaries: Balancing self-care with care for others

7. Mindfulness and self-compassion are powerful tools for emotional regulation

Between stimulus and response there's a space. In that space lies our power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and our freedom.

Mindfulness practice. Cultivating present-moment awareness without judgment allows us to observe our thoughts and emotions without getting caught up in them. Regular mindfulness meditation strengthens the prefrontal cortex, improving attention, emotional regulation, and stress resilience.

Self-compassion. Treating ourselves with the same kindness we would offer a good friend counteracts the harsh inner critic. Self-compassion involves recognizing our common humanity, practicing mindfulness, and offering ourselves soothing words and gestures. Research shows it reduces anxiety, depression, and shame while increasing motivation and resilience.

• Mindfulness components: Present-focus, non-judgmental awareness, acceptance
• Self-compassion elements: Self-kindness, common humanity, mindfulness
• Benefits: Reduced stress, improved emotional regulation, increased wellbeing

8. Healthy relationships require understanding attachment styles and communication

Dating is not like shopping. You can't do this with people. True connection is about putting in the time and the effort to get to know someone and learning to accept the things that would usually put you off.

Attachment awareness. Recognizing our attachment style and those of our partners helps navigate relationship dynamics. Secure individuals provide a stabilizing force, while anxious-avoidant pairings often create push-pull cycles. Working towards earned secure attachment through therapy and conscious relating improves relationship satisfaction.

Effective communication. Clear, assertive expression of needs and feelings, combined with active listening and empathy, forms the foundation of healthy relationships. Learning to have difficult conversations, set boundaries, and repair after conflicts strengthens emotional intimacy and trust.

• Attachment styles: Secure, anxious, avoidant, disorganized
• Communication skills: "I" statements, reflective listening, nonviolent communication
• Relationship maintenance: Quality time, physical affection, shared goals, conflict resolution

9. Grounding techniques and relaxation skills help manage overwhelming emotions

Anxiety doesn't mean you are crazy or 'going to die'. Every feeling you have associated with anxiety, anger, jealousy, fear and anything else that makes you feel threatened makes total sense.

Grounding exercises. When overwhelmed by intense emotions or dissociation, grounding techniques help reconnect with the present moment and physical surroundings. The 5-4-3-2-1 technique engages all five senses to anchor oneself in reality and interrupt anxiety spirals.

Relaxation skills. Diaphragmatic breathing, progressive muscle relaxation, and guided imagery activate the parasympathetic nervous system, countering the fight-or-flight response. Regular practice of these skills builds a "relaxation response" that can be accessed during stressful situations.

• Grounding techniques: 5-4-3-2-1 method, physical objects, body scan
• Breathing exercises: Box breathing, 4-7-8 technique, pursed lip breathing
• Progressive muscle relaxation: Tensing and releasing muscle groups

10. Journaling and identifying personal values promote self-awareness and growth

Writing changes your physical health and biology. Wow, wow, wow.

Expressive writing. Regular journaling about emotional experiences and traumatic events improves mental and physical health. It helps process difficult emotions, gain new perspectives, and create coherent narratives of challenging life experiences. Studies show journaling can even speed wound healing and boost immune function.

Values clarification. Identifying core personal values provides a compass for decision-making and living a meaningful life. Distinguishing between intrinsic values (e.g., connection, growth) and extrinsic goals (e.g., wealth, status) helps align actions with what truly matters. Living in accordance with one's values increases life satisfaction and resilience.

• Journaling prompts: Emotional experiences, gratitude, future self, unsent letters
• Benefits of expressive writing: Emotional processing, insight, stress reduction
• Core values areas: Relationships, personal growth, community, spirituality, health

11. Building community and connection is essential for healing and thriving

The unconscious fear that seems to always be lurking in the background is that if we aren't understood it will be as if we never existed.

Social support. Strong social connections are crucial for mental and physical health. Having a supportive network buffers against stress, provides a sense of belonging, and offers practical assistance during difficult times. Quality of relationships matters more than quantity.

Finding community. Joining groups based on shared interests, identities, or experiences helps combat loneliness and build meaningful connections. Volunteering and activism not only benefit others but also increase one's own sense of purpose and belonging. Online communities can provide valuable support, especially for those with rare conditions or limited local options.

• Benefits of social connection: Stress reduction, increased lifespan, improved mood
• Types of support: Emotional, informational, instrumental, companionship
• Ways to build community: Interest groups, support groups, volunteering, online forums

Last updated: September 21, 2024